Author and business consultant Katie Tucker's child has been out of school for seven months (and counting). She writes about how she's piecing herself back together during this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. We are currently struggling with school can’t and it puts immense pressure on everyone in the family. The work dynamic is strained and there is a lot of anxiety around a lot of things but reading good outcomes gives me hope that things can and will get better. We all need a bit of hope.
Thanks for sharing Tara. Yes there is so much hope out there from other families who are further along the road. I always say to myself nothing is forever, this moment will also pass, things always change. We used to be on high alert in our household when we were still trying to get my child into school every day it had such an impact on us as a family. The moment we took the pressure off and stoped trying things started to slowly improve. I will definitely share more on our journey. Thanks for sharing yours!
Yes to these Faith! Also do tag team parenting here and have found PDA parent groups super helpful too will check out your post and brilliant you secured EOTAS (i hear they agree to them sparingly) I know it’s not a silver bullet but at least gives more flexibility 😍
Having been through several years of non-school attendance and battles with the LA, because most schools were not suitable for our PDAer, I feel your pain. I hope you can read the stories of those who have gone before and see there is a little light at the end of the tunnel x
Thanks Steph a lot of your blog writing helped me so much in the early days and have got your book too! You’ve done so much for the community by sharing your story and giving people the courage to share theirs 😌
I don’t even know where to start. My 9yo son was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago, soon after myself, and my youngest with almost 2yo is now showing signs of autism. All this made a huge hole in my mental health, going through the adaptions of the diagnosis while pregnant and depressed as hell, left my corporate job of 14 years to continue pursuing my career as a visual artist, illustrator and educator, and it’s been hell. My anxiety is starting to build up as the next school year arrives, not knowing how it will be, since last year I was week in week out meeting with the schools headmaster and other groups, who just repeated over and over “if he doesn’t tries harder, the school can’t do anything about it”. It is very heartbreaking to see that the world is just not made for us, but we’re forced to try and navigate it. At the cost of our mental health.
I can feel your pain Margarette. It’s so tough and hard to look after ourselves and advocate for our children. I was so close to de-registering, sick of feeling judged and humiliated by schools and authorities however well-meaning. I’ll share soon some of the things that helped. I also did a consultation with Eliza Fricker quite early on it’s £60 for an hour and she was great at providing perspective and hope to parents with kids struggling to attend school. Sending hugs 🤗
Thank you for sharing Katie. I just wanted to firstly send a hug and secondly to let you know that after two years of home schooling my eldest child, she is now thriving back in mainstream education at the age of 17 and making plans for university and beyond.
Those two years were so tough for all the reasons you've shared, with the addition of some serious mental health struggles for her but in the second year she began to flourish and found a real sense of self motivation and so much understanding about what she can and can't manage.
Her time out of school has given her so many skills and so much self-awareness...and confidence too. I hope this gives you a little light and hope. xx
Thank you Emily for sharing. It’s definitely been hard to trust the process but am leaning into it more and more and the more I let go the more breakthroughs happen with my daughter she’s on her own timeline not the one society imposes 😍 and so glad to hear your daughter is thriving again 🤩
Thank you so much for sharing this Emily, can I ask: did you take self-directed learning approach with her, or was she following a curriculum/having online tuition or similar? Xx
We experimented with structured online learning and it didn’t work for my daughter. She spent most of Year 10 recovering from school and then in Year 11 she combined 3 days at a very small Steiner school on a farm where she did an integrated education diploma (worth 9 GCSEs) with 2 days at home where she taught herself GCSE maths and English with books, passed papers and a few lessons on Oak Academy (which my husband built during lockdown!!). She sat her GCSEs at a centre in Bristol with lots of other home school kids. xx
Katie, love your grounded practical suggestions and total honesty, I often wonder (w a PDAer and ADHD daughter) how on earth people find time for research (our only downtime is when kids are on screens) thanks for sharing you took a week away from it all to get your head around it. Really gives me permission to prioritise time out as an essential.
Meditation and sauna heat (local leisure centres sometimes have cheap saunas) with cold water swimming have been a god send for me. All the very best for upcoming year.
My 12 year old has been out of school for a year, it’s hard on all of us. We don’t have a diagnosis but signs pointing to autism and anxiety. I have accepted that he will get his education a different way, when he is able to. My anxiety is about his future, whether he will be lonely, alone and unable to be accepted for who he is and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
It’s so hard seeing your child struggling and not knowing what the future holds. I have found it really reassuring reading books by autistic adults (like Pierre Novellie) to understand what autism can look like for adults, in a professional and social sense. Sending warmth xx
Ah Emma this sounds so hard. My mind goes to those places too but I don’t stay there too long. I wish you strength and hope. You are not alone. And there isn’t one way to do this thing called life. X
Sending love and solidarity! My six year old has been out of school since April—we will start our self-directed education journey this year. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’ve come to realise there are so many ways for children to learn. And the way they learn is not fixed what works now might be different in 5 years and that’s fine too. Wishing you all the best 🤩
Thanks for sharing, Katie. I’m glad things are easing and that you’ve all figured out a way through.
Our daughter missed most of year 10 and has recently returned to school and so far, touch wood, is attending classes. Our journey started at the beginning of lockdown. Through our private healthcare, she got a lot of therapeutic support. For a while, things seemed okay. Then we started noticing various things that suggested she needed more help.
For almost 18 months I was traipsing in and out of the GP and talking to various people at school and elsewhere trying to get her help. The day we left for Thailand in early December, we realised just how bad things were. The end of last year and first few months of this year were devastating and deeply stressful.
We have said many times that if it wasn’t for our private health insurance via my husband’s work and my working for myself, we’re not sure where we’d be. Even then, it was far from easy. We’re in the Surrey bit of SE London and CAMHS is closed to assessments. For several weeks, we dealt with the urgent/crisis team and then it’s really that she’s fallen through the cracks in the system. Medication and some therapy plus her attending a CAMHS support group has turned things around over the last 4-5 months. We feel like we’ve got a lot of her back. Thank you for all the links as I will check all of these out.
Natalie it just is all so hard isn’t it. The worry, the fighting, the exhaustion and fundamental lack of support. I’m glad to hear you have found some things that are helping your daughter. We have spent (and continue to spend) money on online learning (when the LA should be doing that) on OTs at £90 a pop (which we had to stop as too expensive) whilst trying to make a living etc. I don’t believe in god but am praying for us all anyway. Big hugs x
Lying here doom scrolling at 4am worrying about my daughter heading back to school in 4 days after the summer holidays. I spent 7 months guiding my child back into the classroom after she started to suddenly refuse in January this year. Myself and the school decided (as they have no pastoral care) I would spend each morning with her in the school library myself to ease back in. We’ve made it from 10 mins in the library a day (all she could manage) to a few full days now in a small classroom attached to her new year 5 classroom and a small group spelling lesson, away from me, each day. Joining 2 school trips. This has taken 7 months.
She’s made progress.. so much.. I saw glimmers of her confidence coming back. Now it’s the uncertainty of how next week will look.. I can see the anxiety creeping back in the way she’s holding my hand, with a tighter grip each day. The way she will come find me during the day just to bury her head into my chest. She’s vocalised that she doesn’t know how next week will go.. she’s worried about letting herself and me down.
I work freelance and now mostly in the afternoons, I don’t have the option of not working at all. My partner is on a good salary but not enough for us both. We live in London, we rent, financially we have been in a terrible place this year.. our relationship has also taken a huge hit, my partner is finding it more difficult than I am and is depressed. I don’t have the energy to pick him up too.
Seeing these stories of others in the same boat makes me feel less alone. So Thankyou for sharing. I’m not sure what I can offer in terms of suggestions, it feels like we are all doing the same things. Asd/adhd assessments, mindfulness, diet, Naomi and Eliza’s accounts, webinars, groups, visual cues, loose timetables, private psychotherapy for daughter, distractions, supplements, above all.. time, understanding and love. Cranial sacral therapy is amazing too but sadly can’t afford for her.
Anyway, my hope is that my words here make someone else feel less alone as they have with me.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Leanne. That’s incredible that you were able to support your daughter and ease her back in in that way - that you did it, and that the school let you. This could be very helpful for others who are trying to work out a way to transition back in. Sending love, Annie x
I have a boy on the spectrum… I found that many people on the spectrum find help from an all natural supplement, suphurophane. You might look into it, since it might be helpful.
Thanks John. Gut health is key for all kids but for autistic children research suggests that there can be some more frequent unbalances. To what extent that’s due to being autistic, or the stress and anxiety of being autistic and misunderstood and the impact that has on your body I haven’t read enough on the is topic. It’s great if you have found something that works for you. Food can be a difficult area for some autistic kids and even giving supplements can be a challenge (either refusal due to demand avoidance or sensory challenges around taste and swallowing). Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. We are currently struggling with school can’t and it puts immense pressure on everyone in the family. The work dynamic is strained and there is a lot of anxiety around a lot of things but reading good outcomes gives me hope that things can and will get better. We all need a bit of hope.
Thanks for sharing Tara. Yes there is so much hope out there from other families who are further along the road. I always say to myself nothing is forever, this moment will also pass, things always change. We used to be on high alert in our household when we were still trying to get my child into school every day it had such an impact on us as a family. The moment we took the pressure off and stoped trying things started to slowly improve. I will definitely share more on our journey. Thanks for sharing yours!
Yes to all of these. (My child has been out id school for 16 months and we are now getting an EOTAS package.
Other things that have helped me:
1. PDA parent support groups. Other local parents in person or on zoom who get it!
2. Finding other low demand families with kids out of school for playdates
3. Tag team parenting. My husband and I trade time away. Both quick coffee shop outings and bigger trips
4. Learning some Acceptance and Commitment Therapy principles
5. Measuring things differently as I talk about in this blog post - https://open.substack.com/pub/faithn/p/measuring-days-in-values-not-goals
6. Making time to write, breathe and pray as regularly as I can
Yes to these Faith! Also do tag team parenting here and have found PDA parent groups super helpful too will check out your post and brilliant you secured EOTAS (i hear they agree to them sparingly) I know it’s not a silver bullet but at least gives more flexibility 😍
Having been through several years of non-school attendance and battles with the LA, because most schools were not suitable for our PDAer, I feel your pain. I hope you can read the stories of those who have gone before and see there is a little light at the end of the tunnel x
Thanks Steph a lot of your blog writing helped me so much in the early days and have got your book too! You’ve done so much for the community by sharing your story and giving people the courage to share theirs 😌
I don’t even know where to start. My 9yo son was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago, soon after myself, and my youngest with almost 2yo is now showing signs of autism. All this made a huge hole in my mental health, going through the adaptions of the diagnosis while pregnant and depressed as hell, left my corporate job of 14 years to continue pursuing my career as a visual artist, illustrator and educator, and it’s been hell. My anxiety is starting to build up as the next school year arrives, not knowing how it will be, since last year I was week in week out meeting with the schools headmaster and other groups, who just repeated over and over “if he doesn’t tries harder, the school can’t do anything about it”. It is very heartbreaking to see that the world is just not made for us, but we’re forced to try and navigate it. At the cost of our mental health.
I can feel your pain Margarette. It’s so tough and hard to look after ourselves and advocate for our children. I was so close to de-registering, sick of feeling judged and humiliated by schools and authorities however well-meaning. I’ll share soon some of the things that helped. I also did a consultation with Eliza Fricker quite early on it’s £60 for an hour and she was great at providing perspective and hope to parents with kids struggling to attend school. Sending hugs 🤗
Thank you for sharing Katie. I just wanted to firstly send a hug and secondly to let you know that after two years of home schooling my eldest child, she is now thriving back in mainstream education at the age of 17 and making plans for university and beyond.
Those two years were so tough for all the reasons you've shared, with the addition of some serious mental health struggles for her but in the second year she began to flourish and found a real sense of self motivation and so much understanding about what she can and can't manage.
Her time out of school has given her so many skills and so much self-awareness...and confidence too. I hope this gives you a little light and hope. xx
Thank you Emily for sharing. It’s definitely been hard to trust the process but am leaning into it more and more and the more I let go the more breakthroughs happen with my daughter she’s on her own timeline not the one society imposes 😍 and so glad to hear your daughter is thriving again 🤩
Thank you so much for sharing this Emily, can I ask: did you take self-directed learning approach with her, or was she following a curriculum/having online tuition or similar? Xx
We experimented with structured online learning and it didn’t work for my daughter. She spent most of Year 10 recovering from school and then in Year 11 she combined 3 days at a very small Steiner school on a farm where she did an integrated education diploma (worth 9 GCSEs) with 2 days at home where she taught herself GCSE maths and English with books, passed papers and a few lessons on Oak Academy (which my husband built during lockdown!!). She sat her GCSEs at a centre in Bristol with lots of other home school kids. xx
Katie, love your grounded practical suggestions and total honesty, I often wonder (w a PDAer and ADHD daughter) how on earth people find time for research (our only downtime is when kids are on screens) thanks for sharing you took a week away from it all to get your head around it. Really gives me permission to prioritise time out as an essential.
Meditation and sauna heat (local leisure centres sometimes have cheap saunas) with cold water swimming have been a god send for me. All the very best for upcoming year.
My 12 year old has been out of school for a year, it’s hard on all of us. We don’t have a diagnosis but signs pointing to autism and anxiety. I have accepted that he will get his education a different way, when he is able to. My anxiety is about his future, whether he will be lonely, alone and unable to be accepted for who he is and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
It’s so hard seeing your child struggling and not knowing what the future holds. I have found it really reassuring reading books by autistic adults (like Pierre Novellie) to understand what autism can look like for adults, in a professional and social sense. Sending warmth xx
Ah Emma this sounds so hard. My mind goes to those places too but I don’t stay there too long. I wish you strength and hope. You are not alone. And there isn’t one way to do this thing called life. X
Sending love and solidarity! My six year old has been out of school since April—we will start our self-directed education journey this year. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’ve come to realise there are so many ways for children to learn. And the way they learn is not fixed what works now might be different in 5 years and that’s fine too. Wishing you all the best 🤩
Thanks for sharing, Katie. I’m glad things are easing and that you’ve all figured out a way through.
Our daughter missed most of year 10 and has recently returned to school and so far, touch wood, is attending classes. Our journey started at the beginning of lockdown. Through our private healthcare, she got a lot of therapeutic support. For a while, things seemed okay. Then we started noticing various things that suggested she needed more help.
For almost 18 months I was traipsing in and out of the GP and talking to various people at school and elsewhere trying to get her help. The day we left for Thailand in early December, we realised just how bad things were. The end of last year and first few months of this year were devastating and deeply stressful.
We have said many times that if it wasn’t for our private health insurance via my husband’s work and my working for myself, we’re not sure where we’d be. Even then, it was far from easy. We’re in the Surrey bit of SE London and CAMHS is closed to assessments. For several weeks, we dealt with the urgent/crisis team and then it’s really that she’s fallen through the cracks in the system. Medication and some therapy plus her attending a CAMHS support group has turned things around over the last 4-5 months. We feel like we’ve got a lot of her back. Thank you for all the links as I will check all of these out.
Natalie it just is all so hard isn’t it. The worry, the fighting, the exhaustion and fundamental lack of support. I’m glad to hear you have found some things that are helping your daughter. We have spent (and continue to spend) money on online learning (when the LA should be doing that) on OTs at £90 a pop (which we had to stop as too expensive) whilst trying to make a living etc. I don’t believe in god but am praying for us all anyway. Big hugs x
Lying here doom scrolling at 4am worrying about my daughter heading back to school in 4 days after the summer holidays. I spent 7 months guiding my child back into the classroom after she started to suddenly refuse in January this year. Myself and the school decided (as they have no pastoral care) I would spend each morning with her in the school library myself to ease back in. We’ve made it from 10 mins in the library a day (all she could manage) to a few full days now in a small classroom attached to her new year 5 classroom and a small group spelling lesson, away from me, each day. Joining 2 school trips. This has taken 7 months.
She’s made progress.. so much.. I saw glimmers of her confidence coming back. Now it’s the uncertainty of how next week will look.. I can see the anxiety creeping back in the way she’s holding my hand, with a tighter grip each day. The way she will come find me during the day just to bury her head into my chest. She’s vocalised that she doesn’t know how next week will go.. she’s worried about letting herself and me down.
I work freelance and now mostly in the afternoons, I don’t have the option of not working at all. My partner is on a good salary but not enough for us both. We live in London, we rent, financially we have been in a terrible place this year.. our relationship has also taken a huge hit, my partner is finding it more difficult than I am and is depressed. I don’t have the energy to pick him up too.
Seeing these stories of others in the same boat makes me feel less alone. So Thankyou for sharing. I’m not sure what I can offer in terms of suggestions, it feels like we are all doing the same things. Asd/adhd assessments, mindfulness, diet, Naomi and Eliza’s accounts, webinars, groups, visual cues, loose timetables, private psychotherapy for daughter, distractions, supplements, above all.. time, understanding and love. Cranial sacral therapy is amazing too but sadly can’t afford for her.
Anyway, my hope is that my words here make someone else feel less alone as they have with me.
Thankyou for sharing and for this thread.
Leanne
Thank you so much for sharing this, Leanne. That’s incredible that you were able to support your daughter and ease her back in in that way - that you did it, and that the school let you. This could be very helpful for others who are trying to work out a way to transition back in. Sending love, Annie x
I have a boy on the spectrum… I found that many people on the spectrum find help from an all natural supplement, suphurophane. You might look into it, since it might be helpful.
https://www.abtaba.com/blog/sulforaphane-treatment#:~:text=Research%20conducted%20at%20the%20University,behavior%20among%20individuals%20with%20autism.
I read a lot of links about people with autism getting evened out with sulphurophane, so it’s good to know about and it’s all natural.
Thanks John. Gut health is key for all kids but for autistic children research suggests that there can be some more frequent unbalances. To what extent that’s due to being autistic, or the stress and anxiety of being autistic and misunderstood and the impact that has on your body I haven’t read enough on the is topic. It’s great if you have found something that works for you. Food can be a difficult area for some autistic kids and even giving supplements can be a challenge (either refusal due to demand avoidance or sensory challenges around taste and swallowing). Thanks for sharing.