Eliza Fricker: illustrator, author, mother
An interview with Sunday Times bestselling author and illustrator Eliza Fricker, who writes about her own experience of being autistic and about raising her neurodivergent daughter....
Eliza Fricker’s book Can’t Not Won’t was the first book I read about what the school experience can be like for neurodivergent children and I gasped at so many of the references, as it explained our situation with our son so well.
She is an incredibly inspiring creative who lends her voice to conversations around autism, PDA, neurodivergence and ‘emotionally based school avoidance’ (EBSA).
She helped me, through a consultancy session, to understand what my son needs, beyond school. For that, I’m truly grateful. And I’m delighted that she agreed to being interviewed for Raising Neurodivergence.
What was your childhood like?
That is a big open-ended question for a neurodivergent person! It was mixed, I was fortunate to have relaxed parents (pretty low demand) but I think I confused them a lot and I sensed this early on with my meltdowns, overwhelm and sensory needs. I felt sad and confused about my differences and wanted to be liked but I also remember feeling a lot of frustration that people didn’t get me. I felt like I wasn’t okay as I was.
How did you find school?
I had a couple of intense friendships and would try all the social groups. I had a natural interest in other people but they would also exhaust me and I would have lots of fallings out or get taken advantage of. This happened more at secondary school with boys who I thought were being friendly but were actually laughing at me. That was super hard. So I would say the overall experience was exhausting, as I wanted to be liked and threw myself into the social stuff but often got burnt or burnt out.
What was the social aspect of your life like, in childhood?
I loved those close friendships but I also remember spending lots of time on my own, which I found was as rich and comforting, when I was drawing and reading and role playing.
How did you spend the school holidays?
Not doing much. It was the 1980s and we didn’t go to many places and I actually think this has been helpful for my own parenting as we put a lot of demands on how we spend our time with our children now. I think being there and present is underrated but actually those times just drawing with Dad, making up stupid games, trips to the rubbish dump were brilliant.
If you could go back, what educational setting would have been ideal for you?
Oh wow, this would have been a democratic/self-directed learning place. I would have loved the higher staff-to-student ratio and being able to draw, make stuff and read. Still do! So while schools try and give us a broad education, I think we gravitate to our interests from very early on. Put it this way: I was never going to be into maths and science and I am not as an adult. It doesn’t interest me at all and never will. I just wish my own interests had been seen as valuable and encouraged more and had more time to develop. I know I was lucky, as my dad encouraged this but for many kids, they may not have parents who can nurture this.
At what point did you start to find things hard?
The ‘hard’ element has always been there as I have always felt that sense of difference or otherness but I think 16 onwards to my early twenties was really tricky. Especially with the complexities of ‘adult’ stuff coming in, like romantic relationships. I hadn’t processed how hard school had been for me. Adults always said ‘everyone finds school hard’, so I didn’t process how impactful it was. I hid my feelings and learnt to mask a lot. I became very adaptable and tried to do what others expected of me, but this came at a great cost to my own sense of self. I made some good friends during this time but I also met dreadful people. I think I can say I was very lost during this time.
Did you always plan on becoming an artist?
I’m not sure, I went to art college and have always loved drawing and writing so I guess it was inevitable! But it took various forms before I got to where I am now and actually I do value that time it took to get here. I put a lot of pressure on myself over the years, thinking that I ‘should’ have a ‘proper job’ but so many of those friends feel trapped in those now and can’t find a way out. so I’m glad I was a slow burner.
How was your creativity nurtured, in your early years?
I drew a lot with my dad, we sat together drawing people who lived in our town and gave them nicknames. I drew lots of people and scenarios - comics, I guess. But I learnt from him how this could be way to process what I saw and also to use humour. Humour is powerful.
What was it like studying art: the learning, as well as the social side of further education?
I liked art college and I met lots of different people but I was still living in a rubbish suburb of London and felt a lot of conflicts in my life at that time. I was trying to find my fit socially and felt really lost. Once art college starting putting on the pressure to apply for a degree at one of the top art colleges in London, I quit. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I was only 17 or 18 and I didn’t feel ready to make that commitment. It felt to abstract to be thinking about being an adult and the future when I was trying to work out so much stuff in the present.
Have you always worked for yourself, as a freelancer?
Pretty much. I did very low demand jobs working in video shops and an art house cinema, which I loved, and then sold screen prints and zines. Then when my daughter was a few years old, my ex-husband and I ran a design business where I designed wallpapers. While it was seemingly doing well with good press and stockists, my heart wasn’t in it.
Do you feel successful?
Ha, no. In fact that makes me uncomfortable!
How did you feel about becoming a mother?
I think I always wanted one child and I loved the pre-school years, where I was fortunate to be at home with my child. I have really fond memories of us just hanging out at home, making stuff. It felt like a simple time but a fulfilling one.
When did you realise you were neurodivergent?
I think that sense of ‘other’ has always been there, but I was good at hiding it. I thought marriage and motherhood was the best disguise of all, as everyone did that. In fact, I saw someone for a coffee recently who I knew from having kids the same age and she said: “you convinced me you were the most neurotypical person I knew” and I burst into tears. It made me so sad to think about how good I became at hiding myself.
How did you cope during the years your daughter wasn’t able to attend school?
That was easier, I think, than when she was attending, because the stress of the fallout of before and after school was so awful. Being at home was a reset for all of us, we were completely done in and this was a restart and a rebuilding of what we lost during those years.
In what ways has neurodivergence - yours, your daughter’s - impacted your work as an artist?
It is everything, it is what my work is about. I have so much to say after 40 years of not saying it. I want us to be able to parent and work in ways that work for us. And while I am not here to smash the school system to bits, I just cannot see how a standardised system that penalises you for forgetting a pen can encourage individualism. I want us to be able to make informed decisions on how we live and work, to have choices.
What are your hopes, in terms of home-life and work-life?
I am in a new phase at the moment, I am living alone with my daughter and it is the first time I have ever not lived with another adult. Previously, I had only lived with my parents and my ex-husband, so this is all new and I’m learning what this is and what it feels like. I also now have a teenager who is beginning to take big steps out in the world, making their own judgement calls and risks. So I guess we’re finding ourselves and where we sit in this new life. It is nice though, there is an overall sense of calm. A lot of quiet.
What advice do you have for other neurodivergent thinkers on navigating home/work/motherhood?
Keep a sense of self, keep stepping back and observing and questioning. And it is okay to change and evolve, as humans we do this all the time. This is okay. This is good. Changing is learning.
What change would you like to see in the world?
I’d like more options for learning readily available and talked about. I want options for how we live, learn, and thrive always open for discussion.
More from Eliza:
Follow her on Instagram: @elizafricker_missingthemark
You can also make a one-off donation here:
ko-fi.com/raisingneurodivergence
Thank you x
Big fan of Eliza. Her books were what my family needed. And I've been able to share with other people in our child's life. She's coming to talk to a local group in North London i am part of soon and can't wait.
Love all of Eliza's books and illustrations - and I'll happily admit I loved a trip to the tip in the 80's too!!